- NICE BUILDING. - MM-HMM.
- WHERE?
- WHERE'S THE ZOMBIE?
- UH, HE RAN ONTO THE ELEVATOR,
SO I STOPPED IT BETWEEN FLOORS.
- GOOD STUFF. HOW LONG AGO? - ABOUT, LIKE, HALF AN HOUR AGO.
- YEAH, SORRY. BAD TRAFFIC ON THE 101.
- ISN'T RUSH HOUR GOING THE OTHER WAY?
- ARE YOU BEING A SMART-ASS RIGHT NOW?
- OH, NO.
- WAS THERE ANYBODY ELSE ON THE ELEVATOR?
- PROBABLY. - ALL RIGHT.
SO JUST SO YOU'RE PREPARED,
WHOEVER ELSE IS IN THERE COULD BE A ZOMBIE BY NOW.
- OKAY. UM, COULD YOU NOT SHOOT PEOPLE
AND GET ALL SORTS OF BLOOD AND GUTS ON THE FLOOR, OKAY?
- YEAH, WE'LL TRY OUR BEST TO DO THAT. NOW MOVE.
- OKAY, IT'S JUST IT'S A REALLY NICE BUILDING
WITH REALLY NICE CLIENTS, OKAY?
AND I DON'T WANT TO GET ANY COMPLAINTS FROM PEOPLE.
I TAPED OFF THE LOBBY AND EVERYTHING.
- I SEE THAT. IT LOOKS GOOD. NOW MOVE OUT THE WAY.
- LOOK, I JUST REALLY NEED THIS JOB.
[gun cocks] - YEP, GOT IT.
- OH, GOD. OKAY. - MOVE.
[rock music]
* *
[elevator tone sounds]
[elevator tone sounds, bell dings]
[all snarling]
- APOLOGIES!
- THAT'S HOW YOU BUST ZOMBIES.
- OH, MY GOD, I AM SO FIRED.
[elevator bell dings] - [gasps]
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, JUST...
- SORRY - WALK THIS WAY.
- REMEMBER THE HAWAIIAN LUAU TONIGHT AT THE ROOF.
- ONE YEAR AGO...
- VAMPIRE, WEREWOLVES, AND ZOMBIES...
- DESCENDED UPON CALIFORNIA'S SAN FERNANDO VALLEY.
- AUTHORITIES REMAIN BAFFLED BY THEIR ORIGINS.
- * ALL THIS NASTY BUSINESS GETS SO ROTTEN *
* I THINK IT'S TIME TO PUT THIS PARTY IN THE GROUND *
* OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH *
* WE'RE LOSING ALL CONTROL *
* THE BUILDINGS ALL TURN TO DUST *
* AND I THINK IT'S GETTING CLOSER *
* 'CAUSE THEY'RE COMING FOR US *
- OKAY, PEOPLE, GOOD WORK LAST NIGHT.
I KNOW IT WAS A LONG ONE,
BUT THIS MONSTER PROBLEM IS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE.
THESE ZOMBIES ARE MULTIPLYING FASTER THAN KARDASHIANS.
- HA! - THANK YOU, OFFICER LANDRY,
AND WELCOME BACK FROM YOUR VACATION.
- TRAINING SEMINAR, CAPTAIN. - I KNOW WHAT IT WAS, LANDRY.
STUBECK, PIERCE, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU GUYS--
SOMEBODY HIDE YOUR CIVVIES WHILE YOU WERE IN THE SHOWER AGAIN?
- ACTUALLY, IT'S TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO SCHOOL DAY
AT MY DAUGHTER'S KINDERGARTEN CLASS.
- WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE, PIERCE?
- I'M GONNA TRY AND BANG HIS KID'S TEACHER.
- UGH. - WHAT? YOU SAID SHE WAS HOT.
- I DID NOT. THAT IS A GROSS MISREPRESENTATION--
EMPHASIS ON "GROSS."
- UH, I'M AFRAID YOU DID, PAL. - MM-MM.
DID NOT. - SAID SHE WAS HOT.
- I SAID, "SOME OF THE OTHER FATHERS FIND HER ATTRACTIVE."
- IS SHE OR IS SHE NOT HOT?
- I SAID, "SOME OF THE FATHERS AT SCHOOL
SEEM TO FIND HER ATTRACTIVE."
- OKAY, THANKS SO MUCH FOR SHARING.
NOW, THE REST OF YOU TRY TO GET SOME SHUT-EYE.
I KNOW THAT'S NOT AN EASY THING TO DO AT 8:00 A.M.
DISMISSED.
- [shouts] - [snarls]
- SO I FIGURE I'LL START OUT BY INTRODUCING MYSELF.
"HI, I'M OFFICER JOE STUBECK, LUCILLE'S FATHER."
HOW'S THAT SOUND? - THAT SOUNDS NATURAL.
- AND THEN DO YOU WANT ME TO INTRODUCE YOU,
OR DO YOU WANT TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF?
- LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
SO, IF YOU RUN OUT OF BOXERS, DO YOU GO NO BOXERS,
OR DO YOU GET OLD BOXERS FROM THE HAMPER?
- YOU KNOW, HONESTLY, I FEEL LIKE THAT'S GOT TO BE
THE 400TH TIME YOU'VE ASKED ME THAT EXACT SAME QUESTION.
WORST-CASE SCENARIO, YOU GOT FRONT, BACK, INSIDE, OUTSIDE.
- THAT'S WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR. THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
SO, WHEN WE GET IN THERE, I'M GONNA INTRODUCE THEM.
I'LL INTRODUCE YOU, AND THEN...
[sighs] - STU, ARE YOU NERVOUS?
- I'M NOT. - OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE NERVOUS.
- MM-MM.
- WHAT DO YOU GOT TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT, MAN?
YOU KILL BLOODTHIRSTY MONSTERS FOR A LIVING,
AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU'RE NERVOUS
ABOUT A COUPLE LITTLE TEN-YEAR-OLDS?
- THEY'RE FIVE. DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT KINDERGARTEN...
OR MY KIDS? - WHAT'S TO KNOW, MAN?
YOU'LL GO IN, ALL RIGHT? YOU'LL DO YOUR LITTLE SPIEL.
THE KIDS WILL BE PICKING THEIR NOSES.
WE'LL GET OUT OF THERE, AND IT'LL BE AWESOME.
- YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME AT ALL.
- WELL, MAYBE I WON'T, ALL RIGHT?
YOU'RE LUCKY I'M EVEN IN THIS CAR.
I'M FEELING KIND OF TIRED, AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME
THE TEACHER'S NOT EVEN HOT.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SHE'S HOT.
- BUSTED. - NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO WOMEN OTHER THAN MY WIFE.
- SHE'S HOT. - SOME OF THE OTHER FATHERS
SEEM TO FIND HER ATTRACTIVE.
- I WAS IMPRESSED WITH YOU TONIGHT, PARTNER.
YOU REALLY DID SOME GOOD STUFF BACK THERE.
- THANKS, JOHN-JOHN. - YEAH.
SO...
YOU WANT TO GO GET SOME, UH-- SOME PANCAKES
OR SOME FISH STICKS?
- PANCAKES OR FISH STICKS?
HOW DOES YOUR MIND EVEN PUT THOSE TWO THINGS TOGETHER?
- DO YOU WANT TO GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT OR NOT?
- SURE. - COOL.
- OH, CAN I CALL MY GIRLFRIEND AND INVITE HER?
SHE WAS PLANNING ON HAVING BREAKFAST WITH ME.
- YEAH. YEAH, I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
- COOL. - NOW, WAIT.
WHEN YOU SAY "GIRLFRIEND,"
DO YOU MEAN A GIRL WHO'S A FRIEND,
OR DO YOU MEAN, LIKE, A-A BOYFRIEND?
INSTEAD YOU REPLACED THE "BOY" WITH--
- I'M GAY, JOHN-JOHN. - RIGHT.
WELL...
THAT EXPLAINS SOME [bleep] NOW, DOESN'T IT?
- AH!
[Kirsten struggling]
- HEY, OFFICER.
- RICO.
- OR DO YOU STILL WANT ME TO CALL YOU AMBER?
DID YOU REALLY THINK I WOULDN'T FIND OUT.
- IT ISN'T WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
- I THINK IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M THINKING.
I GET IT. YOU'RE JUST DOING YOUR JOB.
- NO, NOT EVEN.
I WAS JUST FREAKIN' BABYSITTING MY BOSS' NIECE.
THAT'S THE ONLY REASON THAT I MET YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.
- HIS NIECE?
YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY TOO BAD YOU'RE A COP, YOU KNOW?
WE REALLY COULD'VE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL.
GOOD-BYE, OFFICER LANDRY.
[tires screeching]
- GOT TO KEEP YOU NICE AND SHINY AND DUST-FREE.
* DUST-FREE AND SHINY AS CAN BE *
- CAPTAIN, UM, I-- - LANDRY...
YOU'RE IN MY GUN HOUSE NOW.
THESE GUNS-- THEY'RE LIKE MY CHILDREN.
- CAPTAIN-- - I LOVE THEM DIFFERENTLY--
SOME NOT AS MUCH AS OTHERS, BUT I DON'T TELL THEM THAT.
- CAPTAIN, I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR NIECE.
- IS SHE PREGNANT? - NO, NO, NO.
GOD, NO, NOT THAT I KNOW OF.
SHE'S NOT A CYBERBULLY, IS SHE?
I READ UP ON CYBERBULLIES. I DON'T LIKE THEM ONE BIT.
- CAPTAIN, YOU KNOW THOSE PARTIES NATALIE
WAS TALKING ABOUT-- GB/GB AND ALL THAT STUFF?
- YEAH? - WELL, THEY'RE VAMPIRE PARTIES.
THIS GUY RICO THROWS THEM,
AND GB/GB IS WHEN YOU GIVE BLOOD,
AND THEN HE GET YOU BUZZED FROM THIS BLACK LIQUID
THAT COMES OUT OF HIS SALIVA WHEN HE KISSES YOU.
- WHAT?
NATALIE DO THIS? - UM...
- DID NATALIE DO THIS? ANSWER ME.
- YEAH, UM, I THINK-- I THINK SHE MIGHT'VE,
BUT DON'T BE MAD AT HER,
'CAUSE IT COULD'VE BEEN WAY WORSE.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, WE WENT TO A TURNING PARTY,
WHERE THIS GIRL HAD ALL THESE VAMPS DRAIN HER,
AND THEN SHE TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE.
- WHY AM I HEARING ABOUT THIS FOR THE FIRST [bleep] TIME?
- BECAUSE I JUST GOT THROWN INTO A VAN,
AND RICO WAS INSIDE.
- WHO?
- THE VAMPIRE I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
HE KNOWS THAT I'M A COP, AND HE'S PISSED.
- HE'S PISSED?
YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, LANDRY.
- CAPTAIN-- - WHERE IS HE NOW?
- I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP. I--
WHEN I BECAME FRIENDS WITH NATALIE,
I KNEW THAT I WAS THE BEST CHANCE
AT GETTING ON THE INSIDE OF THE VAMP WORLD
AND FINDING OUT WHAT WAS REALLY GOING ON.
HERE, CAP--CAPTAIN, TAKE YOUR ARM OUT.
IT'S NOT IN THE HOLE.
UM, CAPTAIN, IT'S-- IT'S UPSIDE DOWN.
- I GOT IT. I GOT IT. I GOT IT!
- AND I WAS GONNA TELL YOU. I JUST--
I KNEW THAT IF I TOLD YOU,
YOU WOULD'VE PUT SOMEBODY ELSE ON THE CASE, AND--
YOU SAID SO YOURSELF.
- DID YOU I.D. THE VAN?
- RICO DRIVES A BLACK ESCALADE,
AND THE LICENSE PLATE IS--
- CALL IT INTO DISPATCH AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY.
- DO YOU WANT ME TO COME WITH YOU?
- I WANT YOUR GUN AND YOUR BADGE ON MY DESK.
YOU'RE OFF THE FORCE.
- MAN, YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE WHAT I PICTURED.
- WHAT YOU PICTURED?
DUDE, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
I HAD A GIRLFRIEND UNTIL 15 MINUTES AGO.
- YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A GUY CAN PICTURE IN 15 MINUTES.
- [chuckles] WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- I THINK CARLA HAS GOOD TASTE.
[women chuckle]
- SO, JULES... - JULIA.
- JULIA...
THE BAR YOU WORK AT-- WHEN I'VE BEEN IN THERE
FLIRTING WITH CARLA, ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT,
YOU'VE BEEN IN THERE THE WHOLE TIME, HAVEN'T YOU?
- YEAH, I SAW YOU, AND YOU DID LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.
[chuckles] - HA HA.
- BUT I'D ONLY BE JEALOUS IF YOU WERE A GIRL, RIGHT?
- HUH.
SO, CARLA, YOU DON'T GET JEALOUS
IF A GUY IN A BAR WAS FLIRTING WITH JULIA?
- WELL, ACTUALLY, NO, THAT'S DIFFERENT,
'CAUSE JULIA'S BISEXUAL. - WHAT?
- VERY BISEXUAL. - I LIKE THAT.
- AND WE'RE OFF.
- [snarling]
- AND THAT'S HOW I PUT THE "ADVENTURE"
IN VENTURE CAPITAL.
- WIENER. [coughs]
- OKAY, CHILDREN, LET'S MOVE ON TO LUCILLE'S FATHER,
OFFICER JOE STUBECK.
- HUH. RAISE THE ROOF, RIGHT? [applause]
HUH, BUDDY? - YAY! YAY!
- WELL... [clears throat]
LIKE MISS ANDREA SAID,
I'M OFFICER STUBECK, LUCILLE'S DAD.
AND THAT HANDSOME FELLA RIGHT THERE IS MY PARTNER, BILLY.
- UH, POLICE PARTNER.
- SERIOUSLY? YOU THINK THEIR MINDS WENT SOMEWHERE ELSE?
- JUST CHECKING. - [clears throat]
ALL RIGHT, AND THOSE PEOPLE BACK THERE
ARE FILMING US FOR A TV NEWS SHOW.
NOW, WHO KNOWS WHAT A UTF OFFICER DOES?
RIGHT THERE.
- KILL ZOMBIES?
- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DO.
I KILL ZOMBIES, SOMETIMES VAMPIRES.
I'VE EVEN CAPTURED A WEREWOLF OR TWO.
- I COULD NEVER DO YOUR JOB.
- AND I COULDN'T DO YOUR EITHER. - THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- YEAH, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT. IT'S PRETTY EASY.
- [clears throat] NOW, WHO WANTS TO LEARN HOW TO KILL A ZOMBIE?
- [clears throat] I'M SORRY.
THE KIDS DON'T REALLY NEED TO BE LEARNING
ABOUT THIS SORT OF THING, DO THEY?
- YES, THEY DO NEED TO LEARN ABOUT THIS--IT'S IMPORTANT.
- WELL, SO IS THE VENTURE CAPITAL BUSINESS.
OTHERWISE, I WOULDN'T BE DRIVING
A BIMMER CONVERTIBLE I NAMED SHAKIRA.
HUH?
WHO ELSE WANTS TO DRIVE A BIMMER CONVERTIBLE
NAMED SHAKIRA?
JANICE AND MY SON, YES.
- OKAY, AND WHO WANTS TO DRIVE A UTF POLICE CAR SOMEDAY?
JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY. THANKS.
- [softly] EVERYBODY. - [mutters]
- OKAY, GREAT. NOW, IF I COULD JUST HAVE MY ZOMBIE...
- OH, YEAH. [clears throat]
[groaning]
[kids groaning, laughing]
[all continue groaning]
- OH, NO, A ZOMBIE.
POLICE. STOP, OR I'LL SHOOT.
- OKAY.
- [groaning] - ZOMBIE!
- KIDS, IT'S BEEN GREAT TALKING WITH YOU TODAY.
- LISTEN, EVERYBODY BE NICE TO MISS ANDREA.
I KNOW I WILL BE.
- [groaning]
[tires squealing]
- HI, THERE. HOW ARE YOU, MR. VAMPIRE?
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, BUT IF YOU COULD EXIT THE VEHICLE,
I WON'T HAVE TO BLOW YOUR FACE OFF.
YOU HAVE ABOUT THREE SECONDS.
- CAN I HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING, OFFICER?
- ONE, TWO--
- WAIT, WAIT. UNCLE FRANK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- NATALIE. OH, ARE YOU DATING MY NIECE?
THIS IS VERY EMBARRASSING. I...
I APOLOGIZE.
I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE MY NIECE'S BOYFRIEND.
WHAT THE HECK? CALL ME UNCLE FRANK, HUH?
YOU KNOW WHAT? WHY SHAKE?
I SAY, WHY DON'T WE JUST HUG?
[Natalie gasps] - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
[both struggling] - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? UGH!
- [gasps] OH, MY GOD. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OKAY, I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED A LITTLE SUN.
THERE YOU GO. HOW'S THAT FEEL?
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T FORGET YOUR FACE.
THERE YOU GO. - UNCLE FRANK, STOP!
- AAH! AH! AH!
- YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE UNDER ARREST FOR, UM,
LET'S SEE--ENDANGERING THE WELFARE OF A MINOR,
GIVING DRUGS AND ALCOHOL TO MINORS,
STATUTORY RAPE, AND FACILITATING PROSTITUTION.
SO WHY DON'T WE THROW IN A LITTLE ASSAULT?
- UNCLE FRANK, YOU JERK, STOP IT!
- YOU KNOW WHAT? A COUPLE MORE FOR GOOD OLD UNCLE FRANK.
NOT TO MENTION MULTIPLE COUNTS OF MURDER
IN THE FIRST DEGREE. - MURDER?
- SORRY. THAT'S PROBABLY NOT FAIR.
I GUESS WHEN YOU TURN THEM-- ARE THEY DEAD? ARE THEY UNDEAD?
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'LL LET THE JUDGE DECIDE.
THIS IS GONNA STING A LITTLE BIT.
- AAH! - THERE IT IS.
- AH-HA! AH-HA-HA!
- YOU, YOU CALL YOUR MOTHER.
I WILL MEET YOU BOTH BACK AT THE STATION. THAT IS AN ORDER.
- WHERE ARE YOU TAKING HIM?
- WATCH YOUR HEAD.
DON'T WANT TO GET SUED FOR HURTING YOU.
- AH!
- I LOVE MY JOB.
I LOVE MY JOB.
- SO, JULIA...
ARE YOU MORE ATTRACTED TO MEN OR TO WOMEN?
- YOU KNOW, I CAN'T REALLY ANSWER THAT QUESTION.
IT DEPENDS ON THE PERSON. - HUH.
WELL, LET'S JUST SAY IT'S ME AND CARLA.
[both chuckle]
- WELL, YOU'RE BOTH REALLY ATTRACTIVE.
- I TOLD YOU.
- I MEAN, WITH CARLA,
I LOVE HER EYES AND HER LIPS AND HER HAIR,
AND HER BODY IS--
- [chuckling] OKAY, THANK YOU, JULES.
- BUT YOU HAVE A GREAT BODY, TOO.
- YEAH, THAT'S WHAT MY CAPTAIN SAYS.
- [chuckles]
- SO, CARLA, WE'VE BEEN WORKING TOGETHER NOW
FOR WHAT, ABOUT A YEAR?
- MM-HMM.
- BEEN THROUGH SOME VERY TOUGH BATTLES.
I MEAN...
YOU GOT TO BE AT LEAST A LITTLE ATTRACTED TO ME, RIGHT?
- WELL, I THINK YOU'RE AN ATTRACTIVE MAN,
BUT I JUST DON'T LOOK AT GUYS THAT WAY...
OR AT LEAST I HAVEN'T IN A REALLY LONG TIME.
- SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
SO YOU'RE SAYING IF YOU WERE TO KISS ME,
IT'D NO DIFFERENT THAN KISSING YOUR MOM?
- OKAY, THAT'S A STRANGE WAY TO PUT IT.
- OH, I THINK YOU GUYS SHOULD TRY IT.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
- [chuckles]
- HMM.
- YOU KISS LIKE A GUY.
- YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I KISS LIKE A GUY, LIKE FIVE GUYS.
- I LIKE KISSING GIRLS.
- I, ON THE OTHER HAND, LIKE KISSING GUYS.
- ROUND TWO.
- DEFINITELY BETTER THAN MY MOM.
- YOU KNOW, THIS IS GREAT.
I'M REALLY GLAD WE WENT OUT TO BREAKFAST TOGETHER.
[siren wails]
- OKAY, SO WHO'S GONNA TAKE HIM DOWN, HUH?
YOU WANT A CHANCE TO IMPRESS YOUR KID,
OR DO I GET TO PUT ON A SHOW FOR HOTTIE MCSWEET-ASS?
- UH, EXCUSE ME. THAT'S MY DAUGHTER'S TEACHER.
- WELL, IF SHE WAS MY TEACHER, I WOULD POOP MYSELF EVERY DAY.
- UGH! - YOU WANT TO ASK ME WHY?
- NO, I DON'T. - ASK ME WHY I'D POOP MYSELF.
- NO, BILLY, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHY.
BILLY, NOBODY'S IMPRESSING ANYONE.
WE'RE NOT GONNA BLOW THIS THING AWAY IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.
- STU, YOU ASKED IF THEY WANT TO LEARN
HOW TO KILL A ZOMBIE, ALL RIGHT?
NOW'S YOUR TIME TO SHINE. - ALL RIGHT, FINE.
YOU DISTRACT THE KIDS. I'LL TAKE OUT THE ZOMBIE.
- FINE.
OKAY, EVERYBODY OVER HERE.
I'M ON AN ESCALATOR. I'M GOING DOWN.
I'M GOING DOWN THE ESCALATOR. OKAY.
LOOK, I'M STUBECK. "OH, I'M GONNA SHOOT A ZOMBIE."
- BILLY, PUT THAT GUN AWAY!
DON'T WAVE THAT GUN IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
YOU WANT TO SEE SOME JUGGLING?
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
YOU GUYS EVER SEEN THE INSIDE OF A JAIL CELL?
YOU WILL. ALL RIGHT, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH, HUH?
- [snarls]
- DID YOU GET HIM? - I GOT HIM.
- GOOD. THANK YOU. - GET OVER HERE.
- WHOA, WHOA, STAND BACK. STAND BACK.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? - LISTEN...
[beeping] - WHAT'S THAT?
- THERE'S A BOMB INSIDE THE ZOMBIE.
- IT'S THE VAMPS, BILLY--THEY PUT A BOMB RIGHT IN THE ZOMBIE.
- A BOMB ZOMBIE... A-A "BOMBIE."
A "BOMBIE." HMM? - STOP IT.
BILLY, DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DEFUSE A BOMB?
- NO, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEFUSE A BOMB. DO YOU?
- WHY WOULD I ASK YOU IF I KNEW HOW?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN THAT MELON HEAD OF YOURS.
- I'M NOT GONNA LET THESE KIDS WATCH A ZOMBIE GET BLOWN
INTO A MILLION PIECES-- WE GOT TO DITCH THIS THING.
- WHERE? WHERE ARE WE GONNA PUT THIS THING?
- GRAB THE LEGS. - WHY AM I ALWAYS GRABBING LEGS?
- GRAB THE LEGS! - FINE!
THESE SHOES ARE, LIKE, SO 1970.
- WHO CARES?
[both grunting] OH, MY GOODNESS.
HE'S A BIG GUY. - HE'S A BIG GUY.
- AH, MY BACK. - AH!
[both grunting, shouting]
- AH, [bleep]!
[children groan] - OH, THAT'S NASTY.
- DON'T USE THAT LANGUAGE, SWEETIE.
- IT'S OKAY. - PUT THAT DOWN.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO. - GRAB IT.
- USE YOUR LEGS. [both grunting]
- OH, GOD DAMN IT!
- UH, LET'S PUT IT IN THE [bleep] CAR.
[beeping]
- THE DUMPSTER, BILLY, THE DUMPSTER.
[beeping rapidly]
- ON THREE. - RIGHT.
- ONE, TWO, THREE.
- GO, GO, GO, GO!
[sustained beeping]
[shouting] WHOA!
- WHOA! OH-HOO-HOO!
[children cheering] - WHOA!
OH! - YEAH! RIGHT?
[cheering continues]
YOU'RE WELCOME, KIDS.
I, LIKE--I POOPED MYSELF A LITTLE.
- SHE'S NOT GONNA WIPE YOU.
- OKAY, I'M GOING TO GO TO THE LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[slap] - HEY!
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING FLIRTING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND?
- WHAT? I WAS JUST BEING NICE.
- NO, YOU'RE FLIRTING WORSE THAN YOU FLIRT WITH ME.
AND JULIA LIKES GUYS. DID YOU NOT HEAR THAT?
- YES, SHE DEFINITELY HAS SOME OPTIONS.
- YEAH, SHE DOES.
LOOK, THERE'S ENOUGH DRAMA AND JEALOUSY
IN STRAIGHT RELATIONSHIPS.
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU PUT TWO WOMEN TOGETHER?
- I WOULD LIKE IMAGINE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO PUT TWO WOMEN TOGETHER.
- JOHN-JOHN, LISTEN TO ME FOR FIVE SECONDS, OKAY?
THERE'S ENOUGH DRAMA IN MY LIFE ALREADY.
I DON'T NEED ANY MORE. - OKAY. FINE.
I HEAR YOU.
- HEY, GUYS. - KIRSTEN?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- I SCREWED UP.
I WAS HELPING OUT DASHELL, AND THEN MY COVER GOT BLOWN,
AND THEN HE SCREAMED HIS HEAD OFF AT ME, AND THEN...
UM, I THINK THAT I JUST GOT FIRED.
[crying]
- OH, JEEZ. IT'S O--
IT'S OKAY. - NO, IT'S NOT.
- NO, NO, NO, IT'S OKAY. JUST TAKE--
NO, DUDE.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT.
- [crying] - JUST TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
JUST TAKE DEEP BREATHS.
- HI.
- THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND, JULIA.
- HI, JULIA. IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
[cries]
- GIRLFRIEND, AS IN GAY.
- THAT'S--THAT'S-- THAT'S NICE.
- OBVIOUSLY, IF I KNEW WHAT WAS REALLY GOING ON,
I NEVER WOULD'VE PUT A ROOKIE ON THE CASE,
BUT HINDSIGHT IS 20/20..
AS IS MY REGULAR SIGHT.
- AND YOU GOT THAT LITTLE PIECE OF CRAP?
- YEAH, WE GOT HIM IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT--
NOT GOING ANYWHERE FOR A LONG TIME.
- YOU OWE YOUR UNCLE A THANK-YOU.
THIS LITTLE ADVENTURE OF YOURS COULD'VE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE.
- ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'M GONNA GO HAVE MYSELF
A LITTLE CHAT WITH RICO, SEE WHAT ELSE HE KNOWS.
IN THE MEANTIME, YOU GUYS CAN STAY HERE AS LONG AS YOU WANT.
I THINK WE GOT SOME, UH, COFFEE
AND SOME FAKE POP-TARTS IN THE KITCHENETTE.
- NO, THAT'S OKAY.
I'D LIKE TO TAKE NATALIE HOME,
LET HER GET SOME SLEEP AND A HOME-COOKED MEAL.
- YOU DO THAT.
AND, NATALIE, AFTER YOU GET RESTED UP,
I'M GONNA NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT WITH YOU, OKAY?
FIND OUT WHAT ELSE YOU KNOW, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY, SWEETIE.
TALK TO YOU GUYS LATER.
- YOU READY?
I WANT TO GET YOU INTO A NICE, HOT BATH.
GOD, YOU'RE FREEZING.
- AT LEAST HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL THEM
IF YOU'RE GONNA FIRE ME.
- THERE'S A BOMB ON THE ZOMBIE!
- [grunts] - AAH!
- KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE OF A SPEECH HERE.
- AAH!
- OW. - IT'S A DUD.